There's one rule. Don't talk about this place publicly.

1) Yes, you can DM a friend and let them know.

2) No, you can't reference this in Discord in a thread or room.

3) Don't mention this page in the comments section anywhere.

4) If you talk about this where others can see it out in the open, I have to ban your account.

It's therapy.  

There is a man I know, yes I know him very well. He suffered from anxiety very badly for 12 years. Didn't tell many, nobody could help him, he just tried very hard to keep it pushed down. The 12 years are 5 years removed but the anxiety is creeping back. Here is a story you can listen to that may help get you caught up on those 12 years. https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/gen-x-talks1/episodes/Episode-30-Suicide--from-ground-level-e1j5h6p

Even my grandfather looked at me near the end of his life and struggled with how to help me. It bothered him. More to come. Today ia 8/10/2024, and the story picks up here.

August 11th? Not today. Today I am strong. Feel like 'doing'. 

August 12th and 13th. Both night woke up middle of the night huge anxiety. No reason why. No worries. Just fear. About 90 miniutes of straining for it ot go away. Dr. McDreamy wont prescribe zannexx(sp) . i used to have some. made a 30 day supply last 6 months. I dont use them often, but they did help. Now there is no help. Just sucks. But when I wake up, back to being me again.

Nights and anxiety got better. Life got harder. well, more complicated. So many things depend on me for success. So many things depend on me just to exist. I don't mind I guess, that's the role I signed on for. That's the role I've always done. But at 56 to try and take on the projects she wants me to take on, isn't easy. It isn't easy when you're 30 years old and rich, it's certainly harder to accomplish when you have less money at 56. So how can I do it? Motivation. I found my motivation in her and I feel the strength of 10 men. Until you turn around and you're alone. I thought we were sprinting side by side towards the cliff, jumping off into the water together. Holding hands as we leaped. I sprinted with a full heart, and as the edge approached I looked over and reached out my hand.... I was running alone. 

I stopped and tried to catch my breath. Looking around I saw her back near the beginning. She never was running alongside me. I stood tall to see her. Her distant voice yelled, "Keep going!". She means alone. We weren't really doing this together, she made promises and let me go alone. 

I have gained back some of my weight, which I hate.

I am still madly in love.

Now, as I stop running full speed I wander in circles. What to do next? If she runs and catches up to me and makes more promises, will I believe them this time? Stop? Go ahead. Wait? The clock is running and I can't sit and do nothing. 

This studio can be very lonely at times.

Reno was productive. Very productive. But it had a large downside too. I didn't know in Lyon County I needed civil engineering plans approved BEFORE I do literally anything on the property. Let me back up, I knew this was a bill coming due but I thought only after my house sold next year. This was a shock having to put it up to the front of the line. Depending on how much this costs this will either be an inconvenience of timing or maybe a real problem. I won't know for a couple of weeks.

As this moves along I am counting the days down to having to sell. Which means everything must be fixed around here. Stuff sold off. The buildings downtown either need a sales agreement (and money) or a long lease where I don't have to think about them anymore. 

There are so many moving pieces and everything now has fuses lit. Time tables. If I don't handle things they will handle themselves, and not to my liking. Its a lot of driving and a lot of thinking. A lot of discussions and trying to make the right choices before moving on to the next one. (Then always looking back to make sure things went as agreed) 

Part of me barely eating and barely sleeping is my mind always worrying if I am making the right choices. Do I have all the information? is everyone else playing above board? Now I find out Mary is getting worse. Yes, her pain levels overall are great. As of today, even her back pain is subsiding. But She is no longer allowed to bend over or lift anything. I'm too fat, I simply can't. So we stare at trash bags, laundry, and groceries and have no real way to go through life. One of us was always fit enough to operate day-to-day life. Until now. 

After our 7-hour drive home, we were dying. Hurting so bad we could barely walk. Asked Briggs to meet us at home and help. (begged) He didn't show. He didn't call. Some lame story about how he thought he told us he needed gas money sent to him first before he could drive. (he never said that)

Something snapped in my head that night about him. I fought through and I did it all. Just about killed me but fuck him. He has let us down and couple of times heavily in recent months. This was one more stupid teenager thing I won't soon forget. Mary was near tears calling selfish. His parents REALLY needed him and he didn't show. If my parents needed me? Id have walked, stolen gas, borrowed money, and done ANYTHING to be there for them. I failed him.

I'm sticking to my plan. Trying to carve out a next chapter. He can't be relied on.

Anyways. A great team of guys starting to shape up in Reno to help us.

If you need a heavy steel box moved and you can't move it yourself you ask a friend. If your best friend sees you need the box moved and says, "I'm your best friend, of course, I'll move it for you", but doesn't? Then weeks become months. Months become years. 5 years in fact. Then your best friend gets in a car accident. They can no longer move the box. They are injured and it's not their fault.

Are you allowed to be mad? Angry? Why didn't you move the box when you could? Now you're stuck and nobody else can move the box.  What a literal disappointment in your friend. You don't blame them for the car accident, of course, that's not their fault.

It just sucks. Now you have to look at that friend knowing that it's over.

Yesterday chest pains started. weird. I knew it wasn't like a heart attack. But it hurt. Came in waves. So often and closer together that I needed to to the ER. Pain started around 4pm and steadily got worse as I was preparing for the BOTGN show. By 5 or 530 the pain was pretty bad. ER made things worse. Dr.McDreamy helped guide a lot. Of course, nobody knows what it was so next time I'm just keeping my mouth shut and tough it out. I can't do a show when it feels that bad but I'd rather wait it out in my house than in a hospital.

Last night I had a very low gut pain. I have had it before. It runs off and on for about 10 days then can go away for 5 weeks. The pain runs for about 10 hours and then subsides. So I know with a clock when to expect some relief. Last night around midnight it began to subside.

On another front, every time I take 2 steps forward I feel like I'm taking 3 back with Dayton. This is not going as planned and the clock is ticking. I need to think of something.

There is a huge difference between 2 people racing towards the same goal in one car, versus 2 people side by side in two different cars. At any moment, and without much warning, the distance between the two could grow.