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It's therapy.  

There isa man I know, yes I know him very well. He suffered anxiety very badly for 12 years. Didn't tell many, nobody could help him, he just tried very hard to keep it pushed down. The 12 years are 5 years removed but the anxiety is creepingback. Here is a story you can listen to that may help get you caught up on those 12 years. https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/gen-x-talks1/episodes/Episode-30-Suicide--from-ground-level-e1j5h6p

Even my grandfather looked at me near the end of his life and struggled with how to help me. It bothered him. More to come. Today ia 8/10/2024, and the story picks up here.

August 11th? Not today. Today I am strong. Feel like 'doing'. 

August 12th and 13th. Both night woke up middle of the night huge anxiety. No reason why. No worries. Just fear. About 90 miniutes of straining for it ot go away. Dr. McDreamy wont prescribe zannexx(sp) . i used to have some. made a 30 day supply last 6 months. I dont use them often, but they did help. Now there is no help. Just sucks. But when I wake up, back to being me again.

Nights and anxiety got better. Life got harder. well, more complicated. So many things depend on me for success. So many things depend on me just to exist. I don't mind I guess, that's the role I signed on for. That's the role I've always done. But at 56 to try and take on the projects she wants me to take on, isn't easy. It isn't easy when you're 30 years old and rich, it's certainly harder to accomplish when you have less money at 56. So how can I do it? Motivation. I found my motivation in her and I feel the strength of 10 men. Until you turn around and you're alone. I thought we were sprinting side by side towards the cliff, jumping off into the water together. Holding hands as we leaped. I sprinted with a full heart, and as the edge approached I looked over and reached out my hand.... I was running alone. 

I stopped and tried to catch my breath. Looking around I saw her back near the beginning. She never was running alongside me. I stood tall to see her. Her distant voice yelled, "Keep going!". She means alone. We weren't really doing this together, she made promises and let me go alone. 

I have gained back some of my weight, which I hate.

I am still madly in love.

Now, as I stop running full speed I wander in circles. What to do next? If she runs and catches up to me and makes more promises, will I believe them this time? Stop? Go ahead. Wait? The clock is running and I can't sit and do nothing. 

This studio can be very lonely at times.